“The Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete. Congratulations to all!†— President Donald Trump, in a Truth Social post.
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Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, as Starfleet's Commander in Chief, I am pleased to announce: The war against the Romulans that I launched recently was an overwhelming success.
Now, to be fair, we did NOT topple the regime, we did NOT free the oppressed citizens of Romulus, and we did nothing to ensure Romulan leadership would stop developing tricobalt torpedoes. We did, however, reinstate the terrible treaty I canceled, except now the terms are even worse. We also reopened the Bajoran wormhole shipping route that was only closed because of the war in the first place. And of course, the price of dilithium crystals is skyrocketing, which is bad for you guys, but fantastic news for my friends who own the mining companies.
Mission Accomplished!
That's right, you just witnessed the master negotiator's Art of the Treaty firsthand. My 5-D chess has worked exactly as expected. The only reason I'm not receiving multiple Federation Medals of Honor right now is because of those radical leftists running the failing Federation News Service.
As far as the details and their implications, let's just say I'm sure that by unfreezing the currency and removing sanctions, we can simply trust Romulan leadership to stop creating system-destroying weapons and funding proxy terrorist militants, right? They wouldn't lie to the very people they say they want to destroy, right? They seem like very fine people to me.
And to the citizens of Romulus who were thinking we'd help them take back control of their planet: Sorry, I got bored and lost interest. I mean, what do you want from me? Have you seen what's going on in the Parrises Squares finals this week? Nova Squadron just won the championship for the first time in like fifty years. (By the way, I did NOT fall into stasis during game three). All of Earth is celebrating like crazy. I saw a guy dressed as Captain Kirk climbing up a shuttle launch pad holding an iron mallet. Paul Atreides was celebrating in the locker room with the team! You can't seriously expect me to focus on intergalactic Armageddon-level quantum war with that going on. Get real.
Now, I will admit, this deal is pretty terrible for the Vulcans. But also, I don't care? Sure, we entered into this war with an understanding that I would help get the Romulans to stop trying to destroy your world, but that's become a very unpopular stance recently, and I don't really like being unpopular. I mean, you must realize I was only working with you because it was beneficial to me at the time, right? And, Sarek was getting very annoying. You'd think a planet full of logical super geniuses would figure out I was gonna tap out as soon as I got a better offer.
Look, if you didn't realize I was scamming you, that's on you.
Anyway, as I said previously, the war was an overwhelming success, and it's all thanks to me. And if, in time, it's proven this war was an overwhelming failure that didn't accomplish any tangible goals and made things infinitely worse for the Federation and was completely mismanaged and plagued with poor (or no) strategy, well, then it wasn't my idea at all, and I was against it from the start, and my secretary of war will be fired immediately.
Thank you for your attention to this matter!
— Your Starfleet Commander in Chief
P.S. My erratic strategy decisions were in no way meant to manipulate the value of Federation Credits in a nefarious pump-and-dump scheme, and once again, I am NOT on Harry Mudd's client list. Stop asking about it already. I don't even know him!
